Invisible Grace

On Sunday, my parents' 35th wedding anniversary, Emma went to her first church service. She was baptized at The Prebyterian Church, Sewickley - the same church where I was baptized 30 years ago. My parents, Jeremy's parents, my brother and sister-in-law, my aunt, uncle and cousin were all in attendance along with some of our family friends that are part of the congregation.

Jeremy and I met with the minister on Saturday to discuss the details of the baptism and where in the service it would fall. Since Jeremy is Catholic, the minister went over what it means to be baptized in our church. I was happy to hear the explanation too since, although I know what baptisim is and what it means in our church, I had never really heard a formal definition. He described it as 'a visible sign of an invisible grace'. I thought it was a beautiful way to put it. I know many denominations view baptism in different ways and many don't believe in baptizing babies, but in our church we do it to celebrate the birth of a baby. We make promises to the baby to support and nurture in the Christian faith. Most importantly it is to recognize God's promise. Our church believes in baptizing in the during the church service in the presence of the church's congregation rather than in a private ceremony for family and friends. Since we don't have godparents, it is the belief that it's not only the family's responsibility, but also the congregation's, to raise the child in the life of the church. In essence, they all are the child's godparents.

We chose my family's church for several reasons, but one important reason is that there are so many people that are important in our lives that are a part of that church. Many of the people who were there on Sunday have known me since I was just a child and some even as a baby. Some of my family's best friends started as my parents' friends when they joined the church 30 years ago. Some of them may have even witnessed my baptism. We wanted her to be baptized in a church family that would always be part of her life even it if it was only during visits to Sewickley; a place where she will always have people that know her and love her outside of her family.

I wasn't sure what to expect during the service. Emma can be unpredictable. I expected her either to be curious about the process and quietly observe all that was happening or to scream like a banshee. When the minister told us the morning before that the baptism would occur in the first 15 minutes of the service, I was very relieved. I figured she could do 15 minutes. There would be lots of music in the beginning that would hopefully cover any of her 'chitter chatter'. What actually happened in reality, I could not have expected! For the first 10 minutes, she sat happily on my lap in her beautiful white dress, quietly gnawing the trunk of her new stuffed elephant. Eventually she began to fuss just a bit, so I craddled her in my arms, in the position that usually comforts her, and gave her a binkie. In about 2 minutes, she was sound asleep! They called us up to the baptismal font and she continued to sleep.

The minister said a few prayers, my dad read a question to the congregation, and I stated her Christian name 'Emma Jane' all while she slept. It was time to pass her to the minister - an act which I was sure would elicit screams. She stayed asleep! He put water on her head which, again, I feared would upset her immensly, but she slept. The minister even walked her up the aisle of the sanctuary to present her to the church and announced that indeed she was 'sound asleep'. I was shocked and amazed! She continued to sleep for the rest of the service and only woke up after the service had officially ended!

After the service, many members of our church family came to meet her and tell me how much they'd heard about her and how many prayers had been said for her. Others that I hadn't seen for many years were amazed to see me standing up there with my child remembering me as a child myself. One man greeted me and simply said 'Generations, Erin." It was then that it really hit me how special a day this really was not only because Emma was welcomed into kingdom of God, but because she had been welcomed in the same place where I had with water from the same baptismal font. Hearing all the well wishes, about how many prayers had been said and seeing how many people were truly happy to finally meet Emma meant so much and made me realize that it was exactly the right place to have this 'invisible grace' bestowed upon our little Emma!

Merry Christmas, Emma!

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. The world feels like such a happy place and there is magic in the air. Santa has always held a special place in my heart, in fact, I was a little too far into my Jr. High years before my little brother suggested I stopped trying to figure out how Santa got down the chinmey. As an adult, I put up my Christmas decorations the Saturday after Thanksgiving and start listening to Christmas music on the radio as soon as it starts. (I will admit I thought it was a little early this year when it started in the middle of November.) So I knew this year would be extra special now that we had our little Emmabean.

I went a little overboard with Christmas gifts for Emma and insisted on wrapping each one. Santa even delivered a few presents to our house before Christmas since he knew we'd be away. She got a few rattles, sorting blocks, some 6+ month binkies, those stacking rings from Fisher-Price that we all had when we were little, lots of books, and her first purse complete with money, lipstick, bracelet keys and mirror (from Aunt Jen and Uncle Andrew), just to name a few. Of course, no gift giving session would be complete for Emma without a few adorable outfits from Grandma! We tried letting Emma unwrap a few of her presents.

She actually did quite well, but in the interest of time, we unwrapped most of them for her.

We were all up very early in the morning, enjoying the lights on the tree, the glow of all the candles and the sight of all the beautifully wrapped packages under the tree. Emma was still sleeping so we decided to get started so we would have minimal fussing during our opening session. True to form though, Emma woke up shortly after the first gift was passed out. She sat with me while I unwrapped my presents as well as hers but gift opening is slow when holding a five month old so our pile of unwrapped presents began to really stack up. Not wanting anyone to take the joy of unwrapping from me ... uh, I mean, Emma... I suggested everyone else open their presents and I would open ours when Emma was calm and content. In the end, Emma laid on her blanket and played quietly, while we all continued opening gifts.

Jen shared one of her traditions with us - wearing the ribbons off of your pacakges. We participated to varying degrees.

I just went with one ribbon tied in a bow in my hair.

Jeremy went for the Jacob Marley look from A Christmas Carol. And then there was Andrew. He sort of took it to a whole new level. I'm not really sure how to describe the look that follows, but I can assure that this was BEFORE the mimosas!

When it was time for breakfast, Emma went down for a nap so we were able to quietly enjoy our mimosas, egg casserole and cinnamon rolls! After breakfast, we opened our stockings. Lots of little goodies and trinkets. Emma even got a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey - #7 'Big Ben' Rothlisberger. I didn't know Santa was a Steelers fan!

By the time afternoon rolled around, the house was filled with a few more friendly faces. My Aunt Ann, Uncle Bob, my cousin Maureen and my uncle's father came over for dinner. The table in the dining room had to be extended so far that we didn't have a table cloth long enough. Holidays in our house tend to be small since we don't have a huge family. I think we were all happy to see so many filled seats around the table. Aunt Ann knitted Emma a cute little pair of pink mittens and they gave her a book as well to add to her library which I am trying to build. Aunt Ann and Maureen also got together and made a set of ornaments with Emma's pictures on them which they pulled from the blog. My mom and I were especially touched by the gift and shed a tear or two. We now have a little Christmas tree in the kitchen covered with Emma's beautiful pictures!

We all went to bed feeling like Christmas again had been a success, but were a bit sad that it was all over. I know Emma didn't understand any of it, but we have pictures and memories to share with her when she's older. A baby at Christmas may add a few interruptions in gift opening and meal time (I had to eat Christmas dinner one handed), but those are interruptions I welcome. It's been a long time since we've had a baby around at Christmas. It's wonderful! Already, I can't wait until next year when she starts to understand a little more of what's going on. We all received many wonderful gifts, but perhaps my favorite was the needle point that Jen, her mother and my mom put together for me. In pink and green, they stitched the words from my blog post about what I wished for Emma. It's still in the works, but when I opened the box and realized what they had done, I couldn't help but cry. It is perhaps the most thoughtful gift I've ever been given. The panels will be framed and hang in her nursery, probably on either side of her crib so my wishes can surround her, but what a special gift to be able to give to her all over again when she's older and can understand those wishes for her.

Emma, and all the joy that she has brought us, has been by far the best gift we've been given this year! I hope all your families had a very blessed and Merry Christmas!

PS Santa reads my blog! He saw my plea for a box of patience and a stocking full of strength. He brought me what he uses and recommends - two little bottles of Bailey's!

We Made It!

I know I should be posting about Emma's first Christmas, but I haven't downloaded pictures yet so I may have to wait until tomorrow. Actually getting to Christmas was quite a story all on it's own though. I wasn't sure we'd actually make it.

First of all, it was miraculous to me to begin with that Emma had surgery on Saturday night and was still home on Sunday and okayed to fly on Monday. In my head, the weeks before when I was afraid something was wrong, Friday was my deadline for having surgery without disrupting Christmas. Somehow we made it though.

We were all packed and ready to go Monday morning. I was shocked that Emma required a suitcase all to herself. Perhaps I went a bit overboard in the clothing department, but you just never know what she is going to pee, spit up or poop on! Anyway, for the first time, we took a shuttle to the airport to avoid a massive parking payment upon our return. The shuttle picked us up around 1:45 for a 4:30 flight. At the time of departure, we already knew the flight was delayed about an hour, but we figured it would be since it was so close to the holidays and after such bad weather, so we didn't think much about it. I was just thankful that we would have the stroller at the airport to walk up and down the gate area with. About half way through the trip to the airport, I asked Jeremy if he had picked up the boarding passes that we'd printed. He said he hadn't, but looked in the back of the van at our bags to see if he could find it. It was shortly after that that I heard a very calm and factual, " Oh s**t. I think I forgot the stroller.'" My inital resposne was, "What?! Are you serious? We're screwed." But then I realized it was just one less thing to get through security and we probably didn't even really need it in Pittsburgh.

Crisis averted, we arrived at the line for the JetBlue ticket counter. Not a terribly long line, but it was a bit of a wait and my arm was getting tired carrying a diaper bag and Emma in her car seat. We made it to the ticket counter, presented our ID's and gave the agent our flight number only to be very nonchallantly told that our flight had been cancelled. I assured it that it was only delayed according to their website and maybe she had the wrong flight. She again said no it was cancelled, but offered no other information. I pressed on, in what I'm sure was a more irritated tone than Jeremy was comofortable with, and asked why it was cancelled. Her response? ' Weather.' I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. It was a beautiful day in Boston, and from what my parents had said, not too bad in Pittsburgh either. "Weather? Where?" I asked. "Weather from yesterday." I wasn't sure what yesterday's weather had to do with today, but she finally said that it was because they didn't have a crew because of yesterday's weather. I couldn't believe it. It was 3 days before Christmas and we had no flight to Pittsburgh. She told us they could get us there on Christmas day or give us a refund. We took the refund. All the while, my dad was on the phone with USAirways trying to find an alternative. No luck. He even asked them to check other airlines. There was one flight on American through Chicago that would get us to Pittsburgh at 11 that night. Not ideal, but at the time, it was our only option. I was worried we'd get stuck in Chicago though. I had Dad call and check the price of the flight, but when he did he was told it was sold out. We decided we'd have to drive.

After a $40 shuttle ride to the airport and a $35 cab ride back, we were home again packing our car. It was a good thing we didn't just drive to the airport. We saved SOOO much money. Even if we'd stayed parked there the whole vacation, we still would probably only have paid $20 or $30 more. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20. Once home, I took the opportunity to run inside and grab a few extra things that we could bring since we were driving. I also fed Emma a little to maximize our time before we needed to stop. I wasn't really prepared for the roadtrip ahead, but I was determined to get home as soon as possible. By about 3:30, we were back on the road to Pittsburgh. Emma was a little fussy, but I knew once we really got moving, she'd be fine. Well, it takes awhile in Cambridge to get to a point where you can just "go", so after a few stops and starts and long traffic lights, Emma was getting even fussier. About 1 1/2 miles from home, around Harvard Square, Emma threw up. A lot! I told Jeremy we needed to turn around. I sat there with Emma screaming, holding vomit my hands, trying to clean her up, and just started crying. I didn't know why she threw up. It wasn't something she usually did. Jeremy and I were both worried it was her shunt causing her to be sick. 10 minutes later, we were back home ... again.

I undressed her, wrapped her up in a blanket and just held her. She looked pale and was sleepy. I didn't know what to do or think. I felt like the universe was against us and that maybe we just weren't supposed to go home. She fell asleep in my arms and I just cried, feeling helpless. She continued to sleep for about an hour and a half. Her color had come back in her cheeks and she didn't seem to be in distress so I chalked it up to agaitation and car sickness. I tried feeding her and she eagarly took 2 oz. She probably wanted more, but I remember my mom making us take in small amounts of food after we'd thrown up when we were kids, so I decided to see how the 2 oz stayed down. It did. Jeremy and I decided that she was okay and we should take advantage of one of her early morning wakings to just get on the road.

At 1:45 am, we heard our little Emmabean wake. Jeremy got dressed and repacked the car while I fed her. By 2:15, we had Emma, still in her jammies, tucked into her carseat. We were ready to hit the road. It was smooth sailing from there. Emma slept for about the first 3 or 4 hours. We stopped to get gas and I fed her a little. She slept again for about another 2 hours. Again, we stopped this time to get breakfast, feed Emma and let her stretch her little legs. She was a happy camper and managed to have her one dirty diaper of the day while we were still in McDonald's. 30 minues later we were back on the road. She continued to sleep and play a little never fussing a bit. For 10 hours, everything went exceptionally well. Then we listened to our GPS and it took us a bad way towards Pittsburgh. For 40 miles, we ended up on a two lane road (one in each direction) WINDING along the Allegheny River. Emma started whimpering. I had just fed her a little so I feared the worse - car sickness. I had been sitting in the back so I myself was a bit queasy. She started to really scream so I made Jeremy pull over so I could get her out. I took her outside to let her get some fresh air. She calmed down so off we went. About 10 minutes later, she threw up! Everywhere. Again, we pulled over so I could changed her clothes and clean up as best I could. I began worrying all over again that it was her shunt, but I was pretty sure it was just the windy roads. I was beginning to hate life and felt like we really would never make it home. We were so close, but I still felt so far away.

At 1:45, almost 12 hours later, we arrived safely in Pittsburgh. My family all came outside to greet us and give us big hugs. I was so happy to be home safely. My wonderful dad cleaned up the hidden vomit that was under the carseat and even wiped down the inside of the carseat too. My equally wonderful mom got lunch set out for us. We breathed a sigh of relief and just relaxed. We had FINALLY made it to Christmas!

Divine Intervention

The other day I received an e-mail forward from a friend. It was a story of a man driving down the street when all of sudden his car was hit with a brick. He got out to see who threw the brick and found a young boy crying. Very angry about his car, he asked the boy why he threw the brick. The boy explained that his friend had fallen out of his wheel chair and he needed help getting him back up. He said that he'd been trying to get the attention of other cars, but no one would stop so he didn't know what else do to. The moral of the story was to listen to God's subtle messages. Don't force him to throw a brick at you.

When I read the e-mail I immediately thought that this was a 'subtle message' from God telling me to look for all the small signs that something wasn't right with Emma's shunt, but I quickly realized that it was just an e-mail and brushed it off. As I mentioned before, the swelling on the back of Emma's head got much worse last Monday and didn't improve in the following days. I was assured that if she was behaving well that everything on the inside was okay. I heeded the advice, but still felt that we were missing something.

Well, yesterday afternoon, God threw a big brick at me. I was carrying Emma and slipped. I fell on my knees and elbow never letting go of Emma. Her legs swung behind her though and she bent backwards in a way I thought for sure would result in something devastating. I quickly stood up and pulled her close both of us screaming. Jeremy assessed her and noticed that she was moving her arms and legs so nothing major seemed to be wrong. After she calmed down, I thought maybe we had dodged a bullet, but decided we should undress her and look at her body. At first everything seemed fine, but then Jeremy noticed a big red bump on her collar bone. My initial thought was that she broke her collar bone, although I had no idea how that would've been possible based on the way we fell. Actually I couldn't understand how the only injury she seemed to have was in the area that was most protected. We took her to the ER at Children's Hospital immediately. I began to think that maybe she snapped her shunt tube causing fluid to leak out into her chest area. Afterall, the bump was in the exact area that her shunt crossed her collar bone.

By the time we got to the hospital, she had stopped crying and was actually laughing and playing in the ER. I noticed that the swelling seemd softer and her fontelle seemed more sunken confirming my suspicion that the shunt was the problem. She had a 'shunt series' - x-rays to see if the shunt was intact. The tube in question was actually fully intact, but what they did find was that the tube that goes into her brain was completely dislodged and not even in her skull. I couldn't imagine how it could have happened, but everyone seemed sure it was not as a result of the fall. It was quickly determined that she needed surgery.

At 10 last night, Emma had yet another revision of her shunt. What they actually found, in addition to the ventricular catheter being out of place, was that there was another type of valve on the end of the catheter that goes into her belly. It was adding quite a bit of pressure to the system making what should have been her low pressure shunt, in effect, a high pressure shunt. The fluid on the back of her head was there, because it had no where else to go since the shunt wasn't allowing the fluid to flow through quickly enough. Her surgeon replaced the entire shunt, so Emma is a little more uncomfortable than she was after her last revision, but she is still doing very well! Her surgeon is confident that the problem has been fixed and she won't have those build ups anymore.

At first, I, of course, felt like a terrible mother. I'm supposed to protect her. Not let her get hurt. Then as the doctors kept discovering new things, I realized that nothing that happened was a result of the fall, but we wouldn't have found it without the fall. Eventhough, I knew something wasn't right, no one wanted to listen and even I stopped listening to myself. Somehow I knew she would need surgery before Christmas and I knew that it would be right before we were supposed to go to Pittsburgh. I even had deadlines in my head about when we needed to have her in the ER so that she would be home in time for our trip. I stopped listening to God's subtle messages, so he threw a big brick at us. I should have listened to my instincts. No one knows her the way Jeremy and I do.

Emma is now sleeping, but doing well. She will even be able to go home today, making it possible for us to go to Pittsburgh as scheduled. Her head looks SOOO much better and I know she will feel even better than she did before. If that's not divine intervention, I don't know what is. I have nothing to say, but "Thank you, Lord, for throwing a brick and keeping Emma safe. I'll be sure to listen more carefully next time."

Winter Wonderland

This afternoon, the snow came down and blanketed Boston in white. Talk of the snow storm has been all over the news so everyone prepared for the storm. Noon was the estimated time of arrival so I did some last minute shopping this morning. I left the mall a little after 12 hoping the snow hadn't begun. I was not the only one with this plan. There seemed to be a mass exodus when I left. Luckily, I made it home before the snow began.

It snowed all afternoon and into the evening. I'm not sure exactly how much snow we have, but I'd say it's easily over 6 or 7 inches. We decided to take Emma out to experience her first snow. I bundled her up in a hat and her little bunting with the teddy bear ears and took her outside. Her reaction? Well, I let the pictures do the talking.

Apparently, she does not share her mother's enthusiasm for the snow.

Wednesday, we saw Dr. Sullivan. She said Emma looks great. She weighed in at 14 lbs 4 oz and gave Dr. Sullivan lots of smiles and giggles even after getting a shot! After looking at Emma's head, she reiterated what she said on the phone a few days later. We need to look at Emma's behavior as an indication that everything on the inside is working properly. She gave me the go ahead to stop worrying about it over Christmas and just enjoy our holiday. She did say to make a follow-up appointment with her neurosurgeon even if she doesn't want to see us. She agreed that Emma can't live with this big bump on her head especially when there's no reason for it so they should help us figure out how to make it better or at the very least, tell us how it is eventually going to resolve itself and when we can expect it. I felt much better, as I always do, leaving Dr. Sullivan's office. I've been trying hard just to put it on the back burner and not worry about it. It's hard, but I'm trying!

I have lots of laundry and packing to do now. We're headed to Pittsburgh on Monday for Christmas and, hopefully, weather premitting, to Connecticut tomorrow to see Grandma and Grandpa Leghorn. I'm a bit worried I'll forget something major so I must go make sure everything is in place. Enjoy the weekend and the snow if you're in a winter wonderland like we are!

My How Time Flies ...

Here I sit, another half a week since I last posted, unsure of where the time has gone. I don't only feel this way because I realized I missed several days of updates, but more because on Monday, our little Emmabean turned 5 months! I don't know how it happened! I know it's cliche, but she really is growing up so fast!

Yesterday, I had her on my bed, letting her play, while I tried to get ready for the day. I looked at her and was amazed at how big she has gotten! Yes, she's almost doubled her birth weight and has grown almost 6 inches, but it still doesn't seem possible that she's so big. I don't know how it happened. One moment she was this tiny little thing all swaddled up in her hospital blanket with wires on her chest and a nasal canula across her face and now she's this happy, funny little girl who can be carried sitting on my hip, can hold toys and put them in her mouth and who can stand up on my lap!

I know Jeremy and I aren't the only parents who have felt this way, especially about their first child. In fact, I don't think I've met a parent in the last 5 months who hasn't said something like, "Enjoy it now because they grow up so fast!" It's just not something one can understand though until you're watching it happen. I guess in these hectic days leading up to her first Christmas, through all the wrapping, buying, baking, planning, packing, and mailing, I sometimes forget to pay attention to how she's changing. I get so caught up in making the perfect Christmas for her and our family that I forget that things are happening right now.

On the other hand, part of me is wishing the time away until we get to a day when the state of the back of her head is not always pushing its way to the front of our minds. Currently, it is very swollen. It had been getting better after Thanksgiving, but last Monday it became very full and has stayed that way for the past week and a half. I put in a call to Neurosurgery last week, but was told to wait and watch it because 'she has a history of this kind of swelling' and as long as she was behaving well then it was reasonable to wait to allow it to resolve itself. I felt relieved, but at the same time, I'm getting suspicious of the doctors and whether or not they actually know what's going on. On Friday, again feeling panicked, I called her pediatrician. I explained how I felt and my concern about her head and the doctors. She sympathized and understood how I felt. She also feels frustrated that they won't at least try to 'troubleshoot' the swelling and suggest something to aid in the healing process. She did agree, though, that if Emma was behaving well and still making strides in her development, that we should be looking at that as a sign that everything is going well on the inside even if the outside doesn't match. I thanked her for being supportive and felt much better after talking to her. We have an appointment with her today so I'll be interested to see what she says when she sees it.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm so concious of it and worried that we're missing something, that I'm missing her 'babyhood'. I know she'll be a baby for many more months, but, for once, I'd just like to relax, look at my beautiful baby girl, and just enjoy her without having worries of a shunt malfunction trampling all the goodness. I keep looking to the future for a time when we'll be past this. When, the swelling is gone and her hair has grown in and she can just be Emma instead of the baby with the shunt. I just have to remember that there are families with far greater concerns that ours. Emma, despite the swelling and appearance of the back of her head, is a healthy, smart, funny, beautiful little baby girl. She's doing new things and learning more about herself and us everyday.

This Christmas, I'd like Santa to bring me a box of patience and a stocking full of strength. I hope that I can focus on family and the blessing that is Emma. I want to savor every moment of her first Christmas even if she has no idea what it means. I want to wrap up all the memories in a pretty bow to give to her when she's grown. I want to escape from the worries and concern and just enjoy. It will all be waiting for me when I get home. I hear my little one waking from her nap, so I'm going to go give her a bath, get her dressed and enjoy her beautiful smile!

I Just Can't Keep Up

I just realized I hadn't posted since Wednesday. I thought I only missed one night, but I guess I'm a slacker. I just can't keep up. With Christmas around the corner, I feel like I have a million things to do, but I can't really do any of them because of my darling little Emma. She's awake more now and although when she does nap, she's getting much better, when she's up she needs more playtime and interaction. I love it, don't get me wrong, but boy does she like to be entertained.

We were stuck in the house for a few days because of bad weather. Well, you know how that usually goes with little miss Emma ... fussing, not eating, overall misery. This time was different though. I made sure to move her to different rooms throughout the house frequently throughout the day. She used each piece of equipment at least once and, of course, I held her and walked her around the house a lot too. I guess she just needs a change of scenery even if it doesn't entail leaving the house.

She seems to be enjoying her new exersacuer although she gets frustrated because she can't quite reach some of her toys. I have to assist in getting them in her mouth or her hands which kind of defeats the purpose of it for me... i.e. a little hands-off time to get a few things done. She gets it a little more each time she goes in it though so hopefully soon my house might be clean and Christmas cards will be in the mail!

On Monday, she will be 5 months and I amazed that it has gone so fast! As my friend Alysha said, it both excites me and saddens me and it's not slowing down anytime soon! I look forward to the next 5 months and beyond. I know we have a lot of new things to look forward to.

Emma's Toys

Since we will be away at my parent's house for Christmas, Santa made a special delivery to our house. He brought Emma a new toy that would be too big to deliver to Grandma and Grandpa's house and then bring back home. Santa is very thoughtful that way. Always wanting to make sure that kids have what they need, when they need it.

Emma's first big gift from Santa was an exersaucer! While she took a nap this afternoon, I decided to try to put together this special gift. Jeremy wanted to wait until closer to Christmas, but I decided that she wouldn't really know when she was actually supposed to get it, so it really didn't matter. Plus, Emma was not the best napper today and we were stuck at home because it was too windy to go out, so mommy needed a little something extra to keep her entertained.

We didn't get her into early this evening which sort of defeated the point of putting it together today, but I was happy that at least Jeremy was there to witness the event. She's still a little too short for it, so we had to put a pillow under her feet. She's a little skinny and slightly wobbly too so I put a blanket around her waist. We were all set! So I sat back to watch the fun begin. Emma also apparently sat back waiting for the fun to begin. She looked at me with a blank stare as if to say, "Okay, Mom. Now what?" Or "How the heck did I end up in this thing?"

I pushed some buttons to make animal sounds. I pushed some beads from one side of a bar to the other. I tried getting her to look in the mirror. Emma's response ... nothing really. She just sat there looking around. I guess she was trying to make sense of it all. Towards the end of her time in the seat, she started to show interest in a few of the toys, but then started to fuss. Oh well. We'll try again tomorrow when she's a little more awake.

Emma also has another new toy. Well, actually two. Her feet. She has discovered how to grab her feet. Just last week during Early Intervention, her therapist asked if she had started grabbing her feet yet. I said no, but that she had started staring at them and that we've been trying to show her that she can touch them. Well, set a challenge forth for Emma and she'll rise to the occasion.On Sunday, she started pulling her feet closer to her chest and by Monday she had feet in hand. She is now infatuated with grabbing her feet and seems interested in nothing else.So, Emma has two new things to play with. One large expensive toy that Santa made a special trip to bring her and one small, rather adorable and free, pair of feet that God gave her. Guess which one she likes better!?

Things Emma Has Learned

As a first time parent, everything your child does is exciting. She smiles, I'm excited. She giggles, I'm excited. I've even had days when I was excited about her making a dirty diaper. Everything they do seems like a milestone especially at this age. Emma will be 5 months next Monday! It's so hard to believe that yet another month has passed. In that 5 months, Emma has learned alot. I didn't realize how much until I actually typed it out on a message board that I frequent.

Here are a few things that she has learned to do

- smile, in different ways

- giggle, although we've only head it a few times

-squeal with delight

- use her voice to string together different vowel sounds and have a conversation

- make a 'boo-boo' lip, which her pediatrician says is the best she's ever seen

- make wants and needs known, in a very loud way!

- roll from her tummy to her back

- hold her head and chest up off the groud about 90 degrees when in Tummy Time

- that the wash cloth being put under her chin means a bottle is not far behind

- how to lower her voice, make it kind of raspy and even make a little growl

- sit up while I hold her waist

- use her tummy muscles to pull herself up a little

- stand on my lap ... for a long time!

- that screaming loud enough will sometimes get me to take the hat off if it's not too cold outside ( I know, I know ... I'm the mommy! I'm in charge!)

- watch me move around the room

- reach up and grab her toys on her activity gym or on her pack and play

- grab and pull my hair ... and hold on for dear life!

- grasp toys and put them in her mouth

- that putting anything in your mouth and biting feels good when your teeth are slowly starting to come in

- that not EVERYONE with a stethoscope around his or her neck is going to do something bad to her

- that amoxicillin and Zantac don't taste too bad - bubble gum and peppermint! She now sucks them out of the oral syringe we give them to her in.

- that she can reach and grab her feet

- that lifting her legs and dropping them forcefully makes a nice sound on her mattress or the floor

- that going out and running errands is way more fun than staying at home.

- that she may just be able to climb out of her Bumbo seat


- that her swing really is a lot of fun

I'm sure there are a million more things that I can't think of right now. Most importantly, I'm hoping she's learned that we love her and will do anything for her! Okay maybe she doesn't quite get that. It's a big concept, but hopefully she's getting there!

Santa!

Yesterday Emma and I went to the mall to do a little Christmas shopping and who did we see? Santa! Although, I felt a little silly, I wanted to have Emma's picture taken with Santa. Not because she would understand, care or remember the experience, but because it's cute! You only get to experience your first child's first Christmas once. I think it would be neat to be able to look back over the years and see pictures from the time she was a baby with Santa. Hopefully, she won't notice that Santa may not look exactly the same from year to year!

I was a little nervous about the Santa situation because let's face it - Emma is ... shall we say ... moody. I figured that one of two things would happen. She would either love it and be enthralled by all that Santa is. Or she would have a complete and total meltdown. She had stayed awake for the entire 25 minute drive to the mall which was surprising. She did it with a smile though and just played happily with her linking rings. She even remained happy making the transition from the car to the stroller and into the mall. She was still agreeable and awake as we came to Santa's village. Taking a picture with Santa, though, is much more expensive than it used to be. When I was a kid it was a fake beard and a polaroid. Today, Santa has a beautiful suit, a real beard, long hair, no hat though, and comes with a minimum purchase of $25. I walked away and came back a few times, not knowing whether or not to spend the money. I was so disappointed at the thought of not having the experience. I decided that it was worth it, she was dressed to see him afterall, and we could get a little Christmas present for the grandparents out of it.

We made our way up to the beautiful couch nestled amongst frosted Christmas trees and wrapped packages. There was an even younger baby in front of us making me feel a little less silly. So far so good as far as Emma behavior was concerned, which quite frankly was shocking to me. I was sure that any minute she'd have a meltdown or fall asleep. Kuckily, neither happened. As we patiently waited our turn, I suddenly had a frightening thought. Emma has recently learned to grasp things. Usually it's my necklace or my shirt or more painfully ... my hair. What if Emma grabbed Santa's hair or beard?! It hurts! I would be mortified. Before I could think too much longer, it was our turn. I held Emma as I introduced her to Santa. She studied him as he talked softly and kindly to her. I'm not sure why I was surprised by it. He is SANTA after all! He carefully took her into his arms knowing exactly how to hold her so that her hands wouldn't come in contact with beard or hair. He must have done this a few times.

She sat there calmly. Not moving. Perhaps wondering what was actually happening. So far so good. The photgrapher took a few pictures, but no smile. She asked me to stand behind her and try to coax Emma into smiling. I began to act like an idiot and 'coax' her in ways I never had before. I felt a bit silly, especially since it wasn't working. I had to shout and wave like a fool because I was so far away from her. I'm pretty sure she couldn't even see me. Finally though, she shared a smile with Santa and the camera. Success! No tears and a cute picture!

2 minutes and $25 later, I had a sheet of four pictures of Emma with her new favorite man as well as a sweet memory. I'd love to show you the picture, but ... I can't ruin it for the grandparents!

Best Laid Plans

Leave it to the military to make you think you can plan your future and then change it without warning just to show you that you can't. Jeremy was supposed to be going to Iraq this summer for a 7 month deployment. He was to do some engineering work to 'rebuild infrastructure'. Not something we were particularly looking forward to, but knowing that there was a good chance he would be sent no matter what, we decided that he should volunteer to go this coming summer. If he was going to go, we wanted it to be on our terms. The timing would be such that he would just be finishing school and our lease would be up. Emma and I would move home with my parents while he was gone in order to have support, save money and to avoid being in a new place all alone. It would be an easier transition to move from our house here to my parents house rather than settling in up in New Hampshire and then finding out he was going shortly after. Again, who wants to go to Iraq, but better this way than the alternative. I've been missing home anyway and was really looking forward to being at home for awhile even if not in the best circumstances.

Well, yesterday, Jeremy got an e-mail saying that his position in Iraq had been phased out so he would not be going in July. Of course, my initial thought was thank goodness he's not going, but there was another part of me, perhaps a more vocal part, that was extremely disappointed that it meant we wouldn't be going home to Sewickley. I think Jeremy's going away was a scary thought, but rather abstract. He's never been away so I can't really imagine how it would be without him. The idea didn't have a lot of real weight or meaning. On the other hand, going home and being with my family is not abstract. I love being with my family and Sewickley is an ideal place to be when you have children. I knew Emma would be surrounded with friendly faces and lots of opportunities. Being at home had a lot of weight and a lot of meaning.

I felt horrible for not jumping up and down with excitement that Jeremy was staying home, but I just felt so out of control. We'd thought long and hard about the decision to volunteer before he did it. We'd come to peace with our decision and felt that if he had to go, at least Emma would be young enough that it would have less of an impact than it would be if she was 3 or 4. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I've been treading water for the last 4 1/2 months. I'm pretty good at treading water, but I felt as though I'd been doing it with weights on my ankles and someone kept adding more weight making it harder to keep my head above water. With all the uncertainty of Emma's shunt and whether or not it's been working or if she actually needs it, I feel like everytime I start to feel some of the weight being removed, something happens that adds more. As awful as the thought of Jeremy being away from us for so long and missing a lot of Emma's firsts was, at least we had a plan and we felt we'd had a say in it. We were controlling it. Now we've lost that control.

I called my mom after I'd had a chance to calm down. I didn't want to tell her because I knew she'd be disappointed. My parents don't get to see Emma as much as they want to so they were looking forward to having her so close even if only for a few months. Both she and my dad sounded disappointed when I delivered the news, but as my voice cracked and I unsuccessfully tried to hold back tears, true to form, my wonderful mom kicked into mommy-mode. Yes, even a week before my 30th birthday, I, now a mommy myself, needed my mommy too. Her ability to put aside her own disappointment while reassuring me that it was for the best and that everything would be okay, has new meaning for me. When your child is upset or hurting, you can't deny your own feelings, but your first priority is comforting your child. Of course, my parents are diappointed, but more importantly, they are very relieved that Jeremy is going to stay home safe and sound!

Jeremy could still get called away at another time, putting us in a situation that we were trying to avoid, but there is also a possibility that he will never have to go at all. Today, with a better night's sleep behind me (Emma has entered a phase in which she would like to be up ALL night), I am feeling better. Now, I can be excited to start looking for a house. It has suddenly become very real that before Emma's first birthday, we may be living in a home that we own. It's fun to think about, if not a little bit terrifying. I've also realized that maybe part of God's plan is to keep Emma close to her doctor's here at least until her follow-ups next Fall. Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh is wonderful too, but the doctors here know her history and it's become apparent to me that Emma's history is very important to her present and future since she doesn't do things 'according to the rules'. We'll also still be close enough to Jeremy's family to see them frequently which is a blessing. I hope that Jeremy doesn't ever have to go away and that he can stay safe at home, but if he does, my parents door will always be open and ours will always be open to our friends and family. I have to realize that I don't always have to be in control. There's a plan and I just have to accept it as it comes and do my best to keep my head above water.

Visiting Holland

Okay so we aren't actually going to Holland or anywhere abroad for that matter, but it's a bit of a metaphor for the journey our lives are taking. Our friends, John and Michele, were visiting on Friday. Michele also blogs - Just One L - and was telling me about a friend of hers, also a new mom, who has a blog about her journey. Her little girl is just over a year and has a syndrome called CHARGE. I don't know all the particulars, but I read her blog the other day. She has to face challenges everyday that no parent imagines they will have to face. Her family is going through so much, but her blog is inspiring. She seems so upbeat and take charge of her situation. One of her posts was a story about visiting Holland that her midwife shared with her. It is apparently used frequently in the world of children with special needs. I can't recreate it as beautifully as it was written, but I'll try to sum it up.

The story is about a trip to Italy that you've prepared for. You've made all your reservations, bought your guide book, done all your research and planned a wonderful trip. When your plane lands you're told you are in Holland. You don't understand. You never planned a trip to Holland. You're supposed to be in Italy. You aren't prepared for Holland, but you are told you must stay. You're frustrated because all your friends have gone to Italy and have told you how wonderful it is. The story goes on to say that although you didn't prepare for Holland and it may not be as flashy as Italy, you start to notice that Holland has tulips and windmills. You learn to love and enjoy Holland.

In July, our 'plane' was diverted to 'Holland'. I still sometimes can't believe we ended up here, but it still has most of the same wonderful experiences as 'Italy', so to speak. 'Holland' may have more doctors appointments and it may have surgery. I may worry more than I would in 'Italy' and I may still look at others who got to go to 'Italy' and feel envious. The important thing to remember though, as Michele's friend put it, is that all of those things are just moments on our trip. What is more important is how we fill the time in between those trying moments. Here is how we've spent that time in the last few days:

We had friends come to visit and meet our little sweet pea for the first time. John and Michele were in Connecticut for the holiday from DC, so they graciously made the trip up to see us.

Emma got up close and personal with a dog for the first time. Our friends Keith and Stacey have a dog, but Emma has never really interacted with her. John and Michele brought their pug, Daisy, along for the trip. I'm not sure how Emma felt about her, but she didn't seem too frightened.

John and Michele brought a friend from DC and also surprised us with one of Jeremy's high school buddies, Eric. Eric seemed to go gaga for Emma. Emma loved him too. I've never seen her so comfortable with a stranger before. Eric also brought Emma her first Cabbage Patch Kid that his daughter picked out for her!

Finally, Jeremy, Emma and I put up our Christmas tree on Saturday. Emma seems enthralled with with lights and all the shiny ornaments (although, maybe not in this picture).We also found some Christmas buddies for her!

Our life is good. A challenging trip maybe, but I've learned recently that we are blessed. I've seen so many children in the past few months, mostly on our visits to Children's with conditions and illnesses that are far scarier, more trying and unpredictable that Emma's shunt. I am trying to take a step back from my concerns, and the occasional private pity party I have with myself, and thank God that it's only a shunt. Although, I planned for 'Italy', 'Holland' isn't so bad!

Emma's First Thanksgiving!

I can't believe I haven't posted since Monday. Things have definitely gotten better since then. My parents came in Tuesday for the holiday and it's been kind of a whirlwind since then.

I hosted again this year. I wasn't sure how it would work having a baby, but despite everyone telling me that I didn't have to host or make it a big deal, I was determined to do everything I usually do. I may have left a few side dishes out and added a puchased, rather than homemade, pumpkin pie to the far more delicious desserts my Mother-In-Law brought, but overall, I think we pulled it off.

Grandpa Birnie and Emma

As I said, my parents flew in from Pittsburgh on Tuesday. Emma and I greeted them at the airport, went out to lunch with them, did some last minute grocery shopping, and made a wine run. On Wednesday, Jeremy had to go to school so my parents and I took Emma to the mall. It was a quiet mall, perfect for stress-free pre-holiday shopping. We had lunch at one of our favorite restaurants where Emma fell asleep in her stroller. Then, my dad walked her up and down the mall while my mom took me shopping to look for a birthday/Christmas present for me. We were successful and all was well until we got back to the car.

Emma was still asleep, but quickly realized that she was getting hungry. It was just barely time for her to eat, so I figured the car ride would lull her back to sleep until we could eat peacefully. Emma doesn't eat well when she's out so if it's not too late, I prefer to wait until we get home to feed her so she has a nice full belly. She had other plans though. Before we even got out of the parking lot, she started crying ... a lot. I pulled over and decided I would have to feed her there. I searched through my diaper bag to find her bottle. I didn't find it right away and by then Emma was in a full-out scream. I started throwing the contents of my diaper bag all over the back seat of my car. No bottle! I decided we'd have to go to the CVS up the street to buy a bottle and nipple.

By the time I got back out, my mom had her out of her car seat trying to calm her because she had started gagging from crying so hard! I began to feed her which calmed her only a little. I changed her diaper during which she was still screaming. Finally, no not knowing what else to do, I decided she needed some fresh air so I picked her up and stood outside with her. It was chillyand I'm sure an elderly woman drove by cursing me for having a baby out in such cold weather, but the cold air calmed us both down. I put her back in her seat and continued to feed her while my dad took over the driving. There we were, my mom and I crammed in the back seat on either side of Emma trying to calm her and feed her. Once she got a few ounces in her belly, she pushed the bottle out. Looked around and smiled as if she hadn't just thrown the biggest tantrum I've ever witnessed. I've decided to keep an emergency bottle in my car at all times!

She wore herself out and slept well the rest of the afternoon. That evening Jeremy's parents arrived and we went to The Independent. It's the standard for us when parents visit as we all enjoy it. Again, Emma slept through our entire dinner.

Thursday, my mom and I woke up fairly early to start cooking dinner. I had actually been organized and chopped everything that needed to be chopped a few days ahead of time so all we had to do was throw everything together. By 9:30, the turkey was stuffed and in the oven. So we had time to relax. I actually don't think I've ever relaxed before Thanksgiving dinner.

Grandpa Leghorn and Emma

Emma and her adoring grandmothers

Jeremy's parents and brothers arrived between noon and 1, giving Emma more adoring admirers.

Uncle Kevin

I actually missed Emma by the end of the day because I felt like I really hadn't seen her. It was very helpful though to have so many people to watch her and entertain her so my mom and I were free to get everything ready. Dinner was a success. Emma slept in her swing during dinner and we all enjoyed giving thanks for everything this year has brought us, especially our sweet Emma, tantrums and all.

The Leghorn Boys admiring Emma

Yesterday, our friends John and Michele came to visit. They live in DC, but were in Connecticut for Thanksgiving with John's family. They wanted to get together so were kind enough to make the almost 2 hour drive up to see us yesterday. They brought a friend of John's from DC, their dog Daisy, and Jeremy and John's friend Eric which was a surprise! We all went out to lunch with my parents and Jeremy's parents where Emma again slept the meal away. Another enjoyable day.

My parents had to leave this morning to go home. It's always sad to see them go, especially now that Emma is part of our family, but in 3 weeks, we'll be making the trip to Pittsburgh for Christmas. They had so much fun with her, despite a few tantrums, because she changes so much each time they see her. Even Helen, Jeremy's mom, who has seen her more recently, was surprised at how much more she smiles since the last time she saw her. She is more enjoyable everyday! We are blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!

A Little Trip to the ER

First of all, Emma is fine, but we did spend the night at Children's Hospital last night. I think I've mentioned that Emma has always had, I guess I should say trouble, with fluid collecting in the space around her shunt valve on the back of her head. A large pocket of space was created when the shunt was placed to accommodate the mechanism. In recent weeks, the fluid has diminished leaving a much flatter appearance. Of course, it only looked like that when she was upright. While lying down, the space would again fill with fluid. It always drained away when she returned to sitting though. Until Friday that is. Friday morning, just a day or two after I mentioned that I finally wasn't worried about her shunt and could relax since we got the all clear from her surgeon, I happened to notice that although still fairly empty, a little more fluid remained while sitting upright. It continued getting a little fuller as the day went on, but looked better that night. Saturday morning, I picked her up out of her crib and noticed it was very full. Again it diminished, although not to the extent that it had been. By Sunday morning, I called my mom in tears, afraid that we were repeating the events of mid-September when it was decided that she needed a revision. My mom reminded me that her neurologist said she wouldn't ever have a big emergency and that if she's acting like herself, I should just keep watching and ask Dr. Sullivan when we saw her on Monday. I pulled myself together and went on with my day. It began looking better and then worse, fluctuating like that all day. Although I was worried, I was inclined to wait to take any action because we'd seen this pattern before and I wasn't convinced that this wasn't just part of her healing process.

I decided I needed a little me time and went to see a movie while Jeremy and Emma spent some time together. Upon my arrival home, I asked how she was and what her head had been like while I was away. He said she was fine, that her head was full and that he thought her shunt felt loose. I was surprised by the last part because I too had felt like it was loose earlier in the day. To me it felt as if the valve had separated from the ventricular catheter and that I could wiggle it side to side. I decided that I was paranoid and didn't say anything to Jeremy. When we compared notes, we decided that we should call the neurosurgeon on-call to ask about the problem. He didn't have much information and said he didn't think it was an emergency but that he needed to speak to his boss. Jeremy wasn't sure if he said he would for sure call back, but that he said we knew her best and if we felt something was wrong we could always bring to the ER. So we did.

We went in around 7:30 and were quite quickly put in a room where nurses and doctors looked at her and asked us questions. They all thought she was adorable and looked like she was behaving normally. We explained that yes we thought she was behaving normally as well, but that she hasn't exhibited behavioral symptoms in the past and that we both felt, independently of each other, that her shunt felt disconnected. They took as seriously, did a 'shunt series' which is an x-ray to see if her shunt was in fact still intact, which it was, and an ultrasound to check the size of her ventricles which they determined looked about the same as they did in September. The radiologist couldn't be 100% sure though because the image wasn't as good since her fontanelle has gotten smaller providing a more limited view. He suggested a CT-scan if there was any question.

We finally saw the neurosurgeon who said that they wanted to admit her to the neurosurgery floor for observation over night. He explained that in the morning, they would round and let her surgeon make the call. He indicated that the only way to tell for sure if there was a malfunction, might be to operate, but that her doctor would have to make that decision and they may simply decide to do a CT-scan in the morning. He said she would have to have an IV and wouldn't be able to eat past 4 am in case they did surgery in the morning. It seemed that surgery was a given, but we weren't sure when. I was frustrated and angry and began regretting our decision to come to the ER. Obviously, I wanted her to get the care that she needed, but at that point, it was 1 in the morning and we were hungry and exhausted. Not a good combo for my temperament.

She was given an IV and we were taken to our room and were finally settled at 1:45. Jeremy decided that I should go home and sleep so I could get better rest and that he would stay with Emma. Of course, I couldn't sleep when I got home, but only really had a possible 3 hours anyway since I wanted to be back for rounds at 5:45.

When I arrived back at the hospital, both Jeremy and Emma were asleep. Around 6:45, 'the team' came to do rounds. As before, about 10 people came in to take a look. They asked more questions and examined the back of her head. The swelling had gone down quite a bit so we were encouraged. The lead doctor asked if this had happened before to which I responded that yes it had happened a few times, but always seemed to resolve itself and even the day before and the day of her revision surgery it showed improvement. He said he would talk to her surgeon and see if it really needed to be revise or not. At that point, she was still not allowed to eat and was getting IV fluids. We waited awhile, expecting either her surgeon or one of the residents to come give us the plan. We were hoping that if surgery was needed we could at least wait until early next week.

No one came until about 8:30 when her nurse came and said she could eat. I asked why and she said that they nurse practitioner just said that she could eat. I was excited since she'd already been without food for the majority of our night at the hospital. I asked what it meant that she could eat and she just said that she didn't think the were expecting to send her to the OR today. About a half hour later, she came and said that we were going to get to go home, but that she didn't know what they discharge plan was. By 10:30, we were walking out the door. We still hadn't seen a doctor again and really didn't know why we were allowed to go home. We were simply told to follow up with our surgeon. Although we were confused, we were relieved.

Later in the day, I reviewed her discharge paperwork. Next to Dishcharge Diagonosis, it said R/o Shunt Malfunction which means ruled out shunt malfunction. We still don't know why or how the officially ruled it out, but are happy that we're not still there. I've had suspicions about the neccessity for her revision and they haven't been put to rest with this experience. I'd like to trust the doctors, but I can't do it blindly. I'll be carefully watching the back of her head and taking notes in the event that we should have to take her in again. She saw her pediatrician later in the day. I think she shares some of my suspicions, but was happy to see her. Luckily she knows about shunts also and said that although she didn't know why it was filling, she was okay with it as long as she was behaving normally. I really don't know what I would do without Dr. Sullivan. At least, she pays attention, responds to our questions, and really seems to keep track of what's going on with our little Emma. Thank the Lord we have her on our side!

Our Little Social Butterfly

I'm not sure how it can really make a difference, but I think somehow it does. Emma NEEDS to leave the house each day. If not, it's not a good day. I think actually skipping one day is okay, but more than that and she has total meltdowns.

Emma after she realized she was spending yet another afternoon at home.

Thursday and Friday were quiet days for us. We did have Harvard here are Thursday and Early Intervention yesterday, but other than that, we stayed at home. Her mornings started well. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, but as the day wore on, Little Miss Whiney Butt emerged. I actually wondered if she was getting sick because she was so cranky and wasn't eating that well. She didn't have a fever though, had her moments of happiness and was drooling like a fountain so I chalked it up to teething.

A bib is Emma's teething wardrobe staple.
She gets very uncomfortable (and cranky) with a wet shirt
so even if she wears nothing but a diaper, these days she needs a bib too.

Yesterday afternoon, however, I left Emma with Jeremy while I quickly ran to the grocery store. We were headed to our friends' house for dinner and I needed to pick up a few things to take with us. When I arrived back home, Jeremy looked tired and frustrated and Emma was crying. I recognized the look on his face, as I myself have many times had the same look upon his arrival home from school. He said she started crying before it was time to eat so he fed her, but the crying continued. Noticing that he needed a break, I took her and tried to rock her. She didn't want to settle and wondered if we'd be able to enjoy or night with friends. Just as I was about to suggest that we stay home, I decided to take her upstairs while I changed clothes. I layed her down on our bed and she was instantly all smiles. So it occured to me that perhaps she was cranky because she needed a change of scenery. We tend to spend most of our day in the living room - playing, eating and sleeping since there really isn't anything for her to do it any other room. I sometimes try putting her in her crib to nap, but it's not always successful.

Emma is now sleeping in her crib in her OWN room at night!

Not quite napping there yet though.

Usually her only real change of scenery is when we take a trip to the store, Starbucks, Jenny Craig, or the doctor's office. After changing, I brought her back down and she started whimpering again. Luckily it was time to go. I knew the car ride would calm her and that if we needed to, we could make a quick escape at our friends' house.

We arrived at Josh and Jen's, her first real social event. They hadn't met her yet so we were excited to introduce her. Keith and Stacey and their kids were there too so at least there were a few familiar faces and we knew no one would take offense if she had a meltdown. To my surprise, she was very calm. She wasn't very smiley, but was quietly taking it all in. She sat on my lap for quite awhile, not making a peep, just looking around. Her only slight fit was when I laid her on her blanket next to Mia and the 'big' kids - the 3 year olds - went gaga over her. She got a little panicked I think, but quickly calmed down. We ended up having a great night! We were home early, but only because we all have kids that needed to get to bed. I fed Emma as soon as we got home. She sucked down 5 ounces without a break! Something she never really does (usually she take at least a 20 minute break before finishing the bottle) and was especially an acheivement since she hadn't been eating much in the last few days! I think her need to get out of the house was fulfilled so she was able to be calm and relaxed, fill her belly and go right to sleep!

Today we took her to BJ's (our version of Costco) early in the morning for some pre-Thanksgiving shopping. She was happy to be out despite the cold. She, of course, was protected from the elements. The rest of the day included one very long nap and a slightly shorter one, full 5 ounce feedings everytime she ate, lots of smiles, and NO tantrums! Who knew a 4 month old could have such a need to get out!

Emma's Going to Harvard!

Okay, well actually, Harvard came to us. No she hasn't received early admission or a scholarship, although maybe in 18 years she will. We were invited to participate in a study through the Laboratory for Development at Harvard. I thought it would be a neat opporunity and figured we didn't have much else more exciting going on so why not. How many other families that I know have gotten to do it? None.

Last week, a woman came to our house and set up two very official looking laptops and a big two-way mirror on our dining room table. The woman explained that they were studying the development of racial preference in babies. I have to admit, it wasn't really what I imagined the study being about. The letter said they were studying how babies view the world. Somehow I imagined watching a children's video like Sesame Street or playing with toys to see what they're interested in this age. But, oh well. It's interesting that babies notice race. I was told to hold Emma in front of the computer so she could see the images of people on the screen. Again, I imagined smiling babies of all colors. I wasn't actually allowed to look at the pictures so maybe that is what she saw.

Emma being Emma, she didn't feel much like looking at the pictures and she ended up having a meltdown. It wasn't really her fault though. The researcher came late and took awhile to set up so, Emma was getting tired and hungry. She said it was okay, that they understood that babies can be unpredictable and that it was okay if she didn't really look at the pictures, but that they would gather as much info as she was willing to give.

We were then given a book and DVD of pictures of people fall rom one race. We were to review both quickly everyday to see if exposing her to that particular race all week would change her responses to the pictures next time she arrived. We did as we were told, but I'm not sure how much Emma got out of our review sessions. As a mom, I would've chosen different pictures if I was trying to capture the attention of babies. The people were adults - Harvard students I assume - and none were smiling. They really looked like mug shots. One gentleman in particular looked like a serial killer. Emma always looked away when it came time to look at his picture.

Today the researcher came back and set up her mini-lab on our table again. This time Emma was rested and fed so I was hopeful that we'd have a better experience. Emma still didn't want to look at the pictures again. She preferred looking at her reflection in the mirror surrounding the computer. Again, as a mom, I wouldn't make a baby choose between mug shots or her adorable reflection, but I'm no scientist so what do I know. She started to fuss so I gave her her binkie. Sucking away, she was able to focus a bit more. Just as she was about to have a meltdown the researcher said we were done! Thank goodness! I was a little embarrased about her meltdown last week.

I'm not sure how helpful Emma's contribution was since the race we had to study was our own. Emma's really only been exposed to our family and close friends with the exception of a few African-American doctors so I'm not sure it changed her preferrence for race. Maybe she was part of the control group. It was a neat experience though and I'll be interested to find out what the study's findings are. I hope in the future we'll get to participate in other studies. Maybe we'll actually get to go to Harvard to participate!