Best Laid Plans

Leave it to the military to make you think you can plan your future and then change it without warning just to show you that you can't. Jeremy was supposed to be going to Iraq this summer for a 7 month deployment. He was to do some engineering work to 'rebuild infrastructure'. Not something we were particularly looking forward to, but knowing that there was a good chance he would be sent no matter what, we decided that he should volunteer to go this coming summer. If he was going to go, we wanted it to be on our terms. The timing would be such that he would just be finishing school and our lease would be up. Emma and I would move home with my parents while he was gone in order to have support, save money and to avoid being in a new place all alone. It would be an easier transition to move from our house here to my parents house rather than settling in up in New Hampshire and then finding out he was going shortly after. Again, who wants to go to Iraq, but better this way than the alternative. I've been missing home anyway and was really looking forward to being at home for awhile even if not in the best circumstances.

Well, yesterday, Jeremy got an e-mail saying that his position in Iraq had been phased out so he would not be going in July. Of course, my initial thought was thank goodness he's not going, but there was another part of me, perhaps a more vocal part, that was extremely disappointed that it meant we wouldn't be going home to Sewickley. I think Jeremy's going away was a scary thought, but rather abstract. He's never been away so I can't really imagine how it would be without him. The idea didn't have a lot of real weight or meaning. On the other hand, going home and being with my family is not abstract. I love being with my family and Sewickley is an ideal place to be when you have children. I knew Emma would be surrounded with friendly faces and lots of opportunities. Being at home had a lot of weight and a lot of meaning.

I felt horrible for not jumping up and down with excitement that Jeremy was staying home, but I just felt so out of control. We'd thought long and hard about the decision to volunteer before he did it. We'd come to peace with our decision and felt that if he had to go, at least Emma would be young enough that it would have less of an impact than it would be if she was 3 or 4. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I've been treading water for the last 4 1/2 months. I'm pretty good at treading water, but I felt as though I'd been doing it with weights on my ankles and someone kept adding more weight making it harder to keep my head above water. With all the uncertainty of Emma's shunt and whether or not it's been working or if she actually needs it, I feel like everytime I start to feel some of the weight being removed, something happens that adds more. As awful as the thought of Jeremy being away from us for so long and missing a lot of Emma's firsts was, at least we had a plan and we felt we'd had a say in it. We were controlling it. Now we've lost that control.

I called my mom after I'd had a chance to calm down. I didn't want to tell her because I knew she'd be disappointed. My parents don't get to see Emma as much as they want to so they were looking forward to having her so close even if only for a few months. Both she and my dad sounded disappointed when I delivered the news, but as my voice cracked and I unsuccessfully tried to hold back tears, true to form, my wonderful mom kicked into mommy-mode. Yes, even a week before my 30th birthday, I, now a mommy myself, needed my mommy too. Her ability to put aside her own disappointment while reassuring me that it was for the best and that everything would be okay, has new meaning for me. When your child is upset or hurting, you can't deny your own feelings, but your first priority is comforting your child. Of course, my parents are diappointed, but more importantly, they are very relieved that Jeremy is going to stay home safe and sound!

Jeremy could still get called away at another time, putting us in a situation that we were trying to avoid, but there is also a possibility that he will never have to go at all. Today, with a better night's sleep behind me (Emma has entered a phase in which she would like to be up ALL night), I am feeling better. Now, I can be excited to start looking for a house. It has suddenly become very real that before Emma's first birthday, we may be living in a home that we own. It's fun to think about, if not a little bit terrifying. I've also realized that maybe part of God's plan is to keep Emma close to her doctor's here at least until her follow-ups next Fall. Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh is wonderful too, but the doctors here know her history and it's become apparent to me that Emma's history is very important to her present and future since she doesn't do things 'according to the rules'. We'll also still be close enough to Jeremy's family to see them frequently which is a blessing. I hope that Jeremy doesn't ever have to go away and that he can stay safe at home, but if he does, my parents door will always be open and ours will always be open to our friends and family. I have to realize that I don't always have to be in control. There's a plan and I just have to accept it as it comes and do my best to keep my head above water.