Why did our baby end up in the NICU?
Why did our baby get meningsitis?
Why did we have to spend over 8 weeks making daily trips to the hospital?
Why did our baby have so many complications?
Why did our baby have to have surgery to place a shunt?
Why did our baby have her life changed at only 8 weeks old?
Why? Why? Why?
'Jeremy and I are good people,' I would think to myself - and out loud to family members. What could we possible have done to deserve a lifetime of worry, complications and hospitals? Why were we being punished? Should I have prayed harder? Done more good deeds? Did we live too good a life to not have any heartache? I haven't been able to stop asking these questions. Questions that don't have any answers. Until yesterday.
While we were out visiting the place that was to be our new home in a year and a half, I was looking at Emma and realized that I was being selfish. None of this is really about us. We're not the ones who suffered infections while only days old. We're not the ones who had over 10 spinal taps in 8 weeks. We're not the ones who will live with a shunt implanted in our bodies. We're not the ones who may have to face repeat surgeries and more recovery time. It's Emma. Yes, we will have to be there for all of those things. And we will have to look for warning signs that something is wrong. And we will have to do our best to make sure she isn't held back by any of it. And we'd both gladly take her place if it kept her from having to go through any of it. But Emma is the one who will be most affected by all of this and Emma is the one who truly doesn't deserve any of it!
Jeremy and I try to be the best mom and dad we can be. We try to be conscientious and responsible. We try to love her as much as we possibly can ... which isn't very hard. So I guess instead of 'why us?', now I'm asking 'why not us?' We have a beautiful baby girl who is amazingly strong. A baby girl who has overcome so much in her short life. A baby girl who hasn't let any of this get her down. A baby girl who makes us laugh and smile everyday. So it doesn't matter what Jeremy and I 'deserve'. What matters is that Emma deserves wonderful, loving parents who will do anything to make her life better. I can only hope that we can live up to the challenge.
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